so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Randomize
