Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
40s are totally the cure
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
