Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
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