I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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