that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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