david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
