Who did Billy Mays play for?
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
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Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
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After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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