she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
a search helicopter?!
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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