my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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