Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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