apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
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