She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
