Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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