you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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