it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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