Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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