I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
