I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
Randomize
