I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids