When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.