I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.