Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
