party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
