Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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