he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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