There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
Randomize
