I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
