and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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