Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
