'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
