just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
