Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I am one with the molecules
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
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