Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
