i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
