His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize
