I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
