No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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