im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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