Will you Wikipedia Vin Diesel? Is he gay? It's important...
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I need to calm my uterus...
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
