i permit you to call me
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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