sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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