Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
