god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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