he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
