I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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