And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
