why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
