You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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