I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
