life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
