you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
