I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
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