I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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