I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
