I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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