was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
