STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
