You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
