When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Randomize