Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
