your parents love me but you hate me
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
