I feel great
I just peed on a car
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
