I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
