I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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