dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
