I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
